A Discourse on Love

Mood: Frustrated, Wistful
Music: Perfect Orange
Song: "Remember That Night"

"There are Monkeys Everywhere..."

...at least there must be, because it certainly does seem to be raining shit on me lately.

The girl I've been dating for the past few months brought up the "L" word this past week. Now I know plenty of people that will say that word in passing without thinking about the magnitude of it, or will even lie about it just to get some chick in bed.

But that is something I take very seriously. I can't just flippantly say something like that, especially not after a few months. I haven't even really thought about it in regards to her because we haven't been together that long. We didn't even do anything on Valentine's day because it was just too soon.

Love is very important to me. If I ever accomplish anything in this life, I hope that I can love a girl, and be loved by her. I really don't think that there is anything more meaningful, and all the striving and achieving and competing we do doesn't mean anything if there isn't someone to go to at the end of the day who will care about you no matter what. Someone that you can talk to, someone that you enjoy being with, and, if necessary, provide a shoulder to cry on. A person that will never ridicule or scorn you, and someone that you can share your deepest thoughts and fears with. A person that you will always find beautiful, even as you grow old. A person that you want to hold, and a person that you want to hold you. That is what love is to me: pure selflessness.

But I didn't feel that for her, at least not yet, and as I reflect I don't think I could have. We were just dating, having fun, being college kids. I'm not looking for the person I want to spend my life with.

That's not to say that I wouldn't stay with them if I found them tomorrow or the next day. I would. But what I shared with her was hardly love, I know that. At least I hope it wasn't love, because I guess I'd always jsut hoped that love is more than what we had.

I dunno.

She kinda ended it officially last night, though I sure wasn't expecting it to survive. So now I'm single again, I suppose. I've never really had a bad breakup, and certainly never been left. It's kinda a new experience for me. With a couple notable exceptions, I've always just had mutual breakups in the past where we both just kinda decided that it was time to move on or that we weren't getting anywhere. I've retained at the very least amicable relationships with my exes, but I guess there's a first time for everything.

It just bothers me that, even though I didn't do anything wrong, someone can be mad at me. Now I give lots of people plenty of reason to be mad at me every day (hell, if you read the Beacon you know that to be fact), but this is different because I wasn't at fault, and I certainly wasn't trying to make her mad. Instead, I did the admirable thing, the right thing: I was honest.

Honesty hurts sometimes, though. But I think it would hurt alot more to lie about love. The concept of love is too important to me to not be totally honest about. I didn't love her, so I'm certainly not going to say I do.

Is that wrong?

Sigh, oh well. Hopefully I'll sleep tonight. And hey Brian, thanks for calling and getting me out of the house. I needed that, bro.