Apparently sex is life affirming. Who knew?

Mood: Introspective, Disheartened, and Confused
Music: Garden State soundtrack


Been awhile since I've been serious on here. Ah well, I guess it's that time.

I've been going through a bit of shit lately. I had an interesting little fling this summer, and it's been coming back to bite me in the ass as of late. Turns out that women have this tendency to lie. Big fuckin' surprise eh?

Hrm...maybe I should explain; I'll try to do so as succinctly and detail free as possible.

Female friend of mine has a big crush. Me, no real feelings for her besides friends. She says she doesn't care. I, stupidly, believe her (in other words, this was the lie).

Time passes.

I start to feel bad because I begin to realize that I'm probably hurting her. I break it of. She goes ballistic, reams me a new one, and I don't hear from her again for five months.

Time passes.

She calls me recently. Says she wants to talk. I, stupidly, agree (noticing a pattern here...). Maybe I was hoping we could be friends again. I don't like it when people I care about are mad at me.

We talk. I don't think she meant to hurt me, but she somehow convinces me that I was wrong. I don't see how that's possible even now, considering that I thought I made it abundantly clear what was between us, and I ended it because it was the right thing for both of us. She even said she knew that.

So why do I feel like shit? Why do I seem to have lost all confidence when it comes to women? Why do I feel like she has taken my testicles and keeps them in a mason jar under her sink?

I don't know.

I feel like I've done something wrong, though for the life of me I can't figure out what that is. I think I did everything right. I guess it's this feeling of being such a bad person and not being able to figure out why is the reason I'm so confused lately.

I'd never doubted myself before all this happened. Not once. Now I've turned into some pathetic, self-hating, self-doubting, and self-pitying loser. I can't even force myself to approach a woman anymore. I've never been exactly Mr. Outgoing or anything, but dear Christ I feel like a social-sexual enuich now.

What the fuck is wrong with me? What did I do wrong?

Sigh...I dunno. But damn after reading over this I sure feel like a bitch now. I promise that next time I'll put something that doesn't make me sound so pathetic on here. Until then,

~Peace