Something isn't quite right here...

Mood: Introspective, happy
TV Show on in the Background: Scrubs


Something is wrong here.

I noticed it earlier tonight when I was talking to my friend and every other comment out of my mouth was a self-depricating insult.

I can't really figure out why, either. But I've come up with several theories.

Theory #1) Things are going good for me. I'm actually happy for once. Not that I'm usually sad or depressed; mainly I'm just like "Eh, whatever." But nowadays I look forward to getting up and going to work or doing my research or writing or just going out and hanging out.

I mean, I won my first research grant as an undergraduate, which is a fantastic resume builder and really kicks up my opporutnities for grad school. In addition, my advisor asked if I would be interested in co-writing a chapter for a book that the department is putting out in a couple years, which is just awesome. On top of that, I'm going out to summer camp where I get to spend the summer doing two things that I love: teaching and shooting. Plus I'm doing some pretty interesting field research with observation, interviews, and all sorts of other things going on that I'm really excited to be doing, especially since the research is completely of my own design.

And theres a few general ego-boosting incentives popping up lately, such as finding out that editors at both the Knoxville News Sentinel and the Metro Pulse have read my Stacey Campfield article and were impressed by my work or getting rehired by The Daily Beacon for another year of spewing virtiol at the conservative right in a weekly column. Plus, my personal life is doing better lately too.

Everything's just kinda fallen into place lately.

So since I'm happy, my theory is that I'm just out of my "blah" element. So I need to do something to bring myself back to my normal level.

Theory #2) I'm used to destroying things. It's been three weeks since I've written a column for the Beacon, and I'm taking the summer off because of all my other work I've gotta do this summer, so I won't get to do it again til August, and I have nothing berate mercilessly.

Theory #3)I'm getting too high up on my pedistal, and I know it. Despite the fact that I am a self-avowed egomaniacal narcissist, I'm not stupid enough to become blinded by my successes to not see my flaws, of which there are MANY (there it is again!). Its good to look at yourself critically I think. It keeps us grounded and helps us to better understand others and their problems. Only idiots would think that there was nothing wrong with themselves, and it would make it impossible to empathize with another. And in all honesty, that's what I care about the most.

I don't know what I would do if I ended up thinking I was a better person that someone else. I've dedicated my life to helping others, and I think that maybe, on some subconscious level, I'm afraid that if I don't do something to burst my own bubble, I might get too far away from what I really care about.

Theory #4)There's an evil monkey in my closet. Oh, sorry, Family Guy flashback. Plus I figure after that really abstract and quite serious line of thought, I'd better lighten the mood.


Anyway, It's probably some combination of the above. Or maybe I'm always this way and I just didn't realize it til now. Either way, I'm sure that the evil monkey has a hand in it.