What I Want

Mood - Introspective
TV - Firefly

I got in a fight with a friend the other day. She was rather upset with me for two reasons that I could discern from the three hours this discussion lasted:
1. I don't take my writing seriously (in reference solely to my work at the Beacon)
2. I don't live up to my potential

It really got me thinking about myself, and why I do the things I do. So now I think I will address the latter claim, as the former is a direct derivative thereof.

I don't live up to my potential. And I am happy that way. I see people who push themselves, to succeed at all costs and reach their highest potentials, and then I see myself, and realize that if I pushed myself to these extremes, I could attain much more.

But when I look at these people, I rarely see anyone who is happy. I see people who are constantly under stress, the weight of the world bearing down on them. Or I see people who only want to work, never engaging in a life beyond their calling and unable to take pleasure in the simple things in life, alienating friends and family and eschewing all hopes of finding someone to care about them. Or I see people for whom success, money, and power are no longer an end, people whose only goals are to acquire more wealth and prestige, and willing to step on anyone to get to it.

I don't want to be one of these people.

My desires are simple, and I want for little. What few desires I have I work extremely hard for, and that generates within me a sense of accomplishment. But I'm not a vain person. I do not feel the need to flaunt my accomplishments or my ability to succeed. Hell, one of the hardest things I've ever had to do was write a Letter of Intent for grad schools basically prostituting myself and selling these schools on my best attributes. I do what makes me happy, not what will make me popular, win me awards, or garner me unfathomable power or wealth. These are things I simply do not care about.

What I Want (Short Term)
-To graduate from UT Cum Laude
-To be accepted to an upper tier Ph.D. program in Sociology with full funding.
-To win a Teaching Assistantship at my new school
-To thank the people that have made me who I am and helped me get to where I'm going, and to make amends to the people I care about whom I may have hurt along the way
-To enjoy my last semester in Tennessee and as an undergraduate by doing as many things I may have missed out on as a college student

What I Want (Long Term)
-To earn a Ph.D.
-To become a professor
-To write at least semi-professionally
-To publish a novel
-To find a woman I want to spend my life with
-To die peacefully, knowing I've atoned for my regrets and dedicated my life to helping people

What I DON'T Want
-To be rich
-To be famous
-To be powerful

My desires are simple, and while some of them are high aspirations, they are hardly for vanity or power, and my dedication to them helps to ensure that I will achieve them But do I want more for myself? No.

Contentment is a rare thing in this world. Very few people are ever happy with their lives. I have certain desires in my life right now that are not met. I'd like to find a significant other. I'd like to get a new car. I'd like to have less free time and more social interaction. But even without these things, I am content right now.

I think drive and desire are corruptive, as are the rewards that they can yield. If everyone could learn to be content with what they have, there would be much less conflict and suffering in the world.

~Peace