The Ultimate Showdown

The Ultimate Shodown of Ultimate Destiny

This thing was so funny I almost cried I was laughing so hard. It also demands Chuck Norris jokes, so without further ado:

-Chuck norris can divide by zero.
-Chuck Norris wears condoms inside out do that he gets all of the pleasure.
-Chuck Norris’ is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
-When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
-And the 8th seal was opened, and the eighth angel sounded his trumpet, and Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the Dragon back into the Pit.
-There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
-Chuck Norris doesn't need the fire department. He just glares menacingly at the fire and it stops.
-Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
-Roundhouse kick related deaths shot up 136,000% the year Chuck Norris was born.
-Chuck Norris is widely predicted to be first black president. If you're thinking to yourself, "But Chuck Norris isn't black", then you are dead wrong. And stop being a racist.
-If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
-If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
-The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Chuck Norris.
-Chuck Norris sleeps with a nightlight because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
-Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
-Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one
-There is no such thing as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
-When mortals rub two sticks together, we get fire. When Chuck Norris rubs two sticks together, we get Christianity."
-Waldo is always hiding because if Chuck Norris finds him...well...those two just never got along.
-Wu Tang Clan's "In The Hood" is based on Chuck Norris' and Moses' seven year long kung fu duel.
-The highest degree of Masonry is Chuck Norris.
-Chuck Norris once fought God. Who won? Well, people are still trying to find God, and Chuck Norris is on a perpetual worldwide victory lap. They say Nietzsche was born that day.
-Chuck Norris can fly. This is due in large part to the fact that gravity doesn't fuck with Chuck Norris.
-Many people think that the dinosaurs were killed off by a giant meteor. If by "meteor" you mean "Chuck Norris," then yes, you are correct.
-Chuck Norris doesn't need a pill to maintain a 72 hour erection.
-Megahertz was originally a measure of Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.
-Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris was dropped at Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
-Chuck Norris beat the Harlem Globetrotters.
-Chuck Norris can beat a man to death using that man's own skull. How this is physically possible, nobody knows.
-Jesus was actually born in the year 6 BCE. The year we celebrate as the birth of Jesus is, in actuality, the year Chuck Norris was born to a virgin.
-Chuck Norris has had sex with every woman on earth. Period.
-Einstein proved his Theory of Relativity when he was roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris into yesterday.
-Chuck Norris invented MacGuyver our of a spork, some thread, and a head of lettuce.
-Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer. Unfortunately, Chuck Norris has never cried.
-On the seventh day, God rested. On the 8th day, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked God for being a pussy.
-If a tree falls in the middle of a forest and no one is anywhere around, rest assured that Chuck Norris heard it.
-Global Warming has increased ten-fold since the cancellation of "Walker: Texas Ranger."
-Chuck Norris sweats Axe body spray.
-Chuck Norris won the Vietnam War for America. The liberal media simply distorted the facts.
-George Bush asks God for advice. God asks Chuck Norris. Therefore, Chuck Norris is our president.
-Chuck Norris will never die. He will simply become one with the Force.
-Chuck Norris is the only person alive to have successfully outwitted Sccoby Doo and the Mystery Machine.
-Michael Jackson's affinity for young boys is a side effect of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicking the blackness out of him. Chuck couldn't stand the idea of being the same race as Michael Jackson.
-The only thing worse than Chuck Norris with a gun is Chuck Norris without a gun.
-The Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything is 42. The question is "Chuck Norris."
-Some historians believe "Missing In Action" is actually a documentary about Chuck Norris' capture by the Vietnam army. Right, as if some pussy army could capture Chuck Norris.
-Chuck Norris plays soccer with bowling balls.
-Chuck Norris invented the Total Body Workout Machine to help the Egyptians build the Pyramids.
-Chuck Norris did not grow a beard. Rather, Chuck Norris' beard grew a body.
-Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the doctor who tried to spank him when he was born.
-Like an eclipse, staring directly at Chuck Norris can cause damage to the retina.

And finally:
-The continued existence of all creation revolves solely on Chuck Norris and Bill Brasky never meeting. Should the two every engage in combat, reality as we know it would cease to be.

Alright, 'nuff Chuck Norris jokes. Time for sleep.
~Peace