Back In Action

I'm back from Rome, finally. There was a transportation workers strike on Friday and 300 flights were cancelled, so my getting home was delayed nearly two days. But I made it at least.

The trip was absolutely amazing! I've never seen so much art and beauty! I took nearly 400 pictures while I was there. I also kept a blog-like journal while I was there, but since I was largely without internet, I didn't post anything. I'll be posting the journal along with pictures once I go through and edit them. So check back if you're interested.

Otherwise, it's good to be home.

On Vacation

Hey Everyone,

This is just a reminder, but I'm going to Rome, Italy from Friday, November 19 to Sunday, November 27. There will be columns, but probably no website or blog updates. If you write me I may or may not respond during this time, but I will get back to you eventually I promise. Otherwise, peace out and have a great Thanksgiving everyone!

~Peace
Jon

PS Save some turkey for me. I don't think they celebrate the founding of Plymouth over there...

The Rules - Men's Style

More Facebookery

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Hahaha! Thank you to whoever for compiling this! I would like to add the folowing:

1. $100 dollars for tickets to a symphony or a play that we don't want to see anyway results in getting boob at the minimum. The extent to where this this encounter ends is variable, but negoitations begin at Second Base. No exceptions.
1. No, we do not think that actor in your favorite romantic comedy is cute.
1. No, we don't care about anything you can tell us about your ex-boyfriend, unless you let him bring another girl into the mix.
1. Video Games came before you, and they will persist long after you. Do not try to supplant them.
1. Yes, I will continue to watch porn. It doesn't mean I don't like you or that you aren't good enough for me. Try to put a positive spin on it instead. Think of it as a break.
1. Poker IS a sport.

I'm sure there's more. I'll write 'em down as I think of 'em Until then!
~Peace

Apparently sex is life affirming. Who knew?

Mood: Introspective, Disheartened, and Confused
Music: Garden State soundtrack


Been awhile since I've been serious on here. Ah well, I guess it's that time.

I've been going through a bit of shit lately. I had an interesting little fling this summer, and it's been coming back to bite me in the ass as of late. Turns out that women have this tendency to lie. Big fuckin' surprise eh?

Hrm...maybe I should explain; I'll try to do so as succinctly and detail free as possible.

Female friend of mine has a big crush. Me, no real feelings for her besides friends. She says she doesn't care. I, stupidly, believe her (in other words, this was the lie).

Time passes.

I start to feel bad because I begin to realize that I'm probably hurting her. I break it of. She goes ballistic, reams me a new one, and I don't hear from her again for five months.

Time passes.

She calls me recently. Says she wants to talk. I, stupidly, agree (noticing a pattern here...). Maybe I was hoping we could be friends again. I don't like it when people I care about are mad at me.

We talk. I don't think she meant to hurt me, but she somehow convinces me that I was wrong. I don't see how that's possible even now, considering that I thought I made it abundantly clear what was between us, and I ended it because it was the right thing for both of us. She even said she knew that.

So why do I feel like shit? Why do I seem to have lost all confidence when it comes to women? Why do I feel like she has taken my testicles and keeps them in a mason jar under her sink?

I don't know.

I feel like I've done something wrong, though for the life of me I can't figure out what that is. I think I did everything right. I guess it's this feeling of being such a bad person and not being able to figure out why is the reason I'm so confused lately.

I'd never doubted myself before all this happened. Not once. Now I've turned into some pathetic, self-hating, self-doubting, and self-pitying loser. I can't even force myself to approach a woman anymore. I've never been exactly Mr. Outgoing or anything, but dear Christ I feel like a social-sexual enuich now.

What the fuck is wrong with me? What did I do wrong?

Sigh...I dunno. But damn after reading over this I sure feel like a bitch now. I promise that next time I'll put something that doesn't make me sound so pathetic on here. Until then,

~Peace

An Immodest Proposal

Browsing the Facebook again, friend had this posted on her wall:

Dear Vagina:

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following Reasons:

* I do physical labor.
* I work at great depths.
* I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
* I do not get weekends or holidays off.
* I work in a damp environment.
* I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
* I work in high temperatures.
* My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,
The Penis


Dear Penis,

After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

* You do not work eight hours straight.
* You fall asleep after brief work periods.
* You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
* You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
* You do not take initiative.
* You need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
* You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
* You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
* You will retire well before you are 65.
* You are unable to work double shifts.
* You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.

And if that were not enough, you are constantly seen entering and Exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,
The Vagina

I love the facebook. It's so damn funny sometimes.

~Peace

My Life Starring Jon Fish - Part 1: My Family

I'm gonna try to start a new fad in the blog world. Everyone's always posting little quizzes and such, so I'm gonna start my own. Basically, you pick who would star in your life if it were a TV show and tell why. Let's see if it catches on. Today we'll just do my family. Later on I'll eventually get to friends, teachers, bosses, etc.

My Family

Dad: Jake Morgendorffer from MTV's Daria

I love Daria. It was arguably the best show MTV ever had, though honestly, that isn't saying much. Jake is absolutely the funniest "dad" character ever created. Despite his seemingly present in a cloud of persistent cluelessness and his tendency to fly into a rage at the mere mention of his father or anything that triggers his memories of military school, Jake is often given to wisdom and really does care abot his family. Besides, it's always fun to have a borderline psychotic for a father.


Mom: Beatrix Kiddo aka The Bride from Kill Bill

Without a doubt, one of the coolest female characters in the history of cinema. Let's put it this way: I'd never disobey if she were my mom. Plus I figure she could teach me some cool shit with a katana. On the other hand, Uma Thurman is incredibly hot and that might cause some Oedipel issues later on...

Younger Brother: Eric Cartman from South Park

Irreverent. Racist. Biggoted. Retarted. Hilarious. I would want to grow up next to this kid just to see all the crap he gets into, because it really is the funniest thing I've ever seen.

Younger Sister: Daria Morgendorffer from MTV's Daria
Did I mention I loved this show? Anyway, when I see Daria I see a reflection of myself as a teenager. Smart, sarcastic, nihilistic, and hilarious. Ah, what I would have done for an intellectual equal in high school like her.

Creepy Uncle: Dr. Strangelove from Stanley Kubrick's Dr. Strangelove

I figure if you're going to have a creepy uncle, you might as well have the creepiest person in cinematic history.

Cousins: Gabe and Tycho from Penny Arcade

Gabe: I did punch a baby once...in anger. In my defense, the baby was being kind of a dick.

Tycho: Some people play tennis. I erode the human soul.

Need I say more?

Alright It's gettin pretty late. I think I'll wrap it up for tonight. Next time: Friends and Neighbors.

Beaten Children

Breaking News: Custody Battle Knoxville, TN (AP)

A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents. The judge, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible, initially awarded custody to his aunt. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the University of Tennessee Volunteers Football Team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

Borrowed from ...committing every artistic sin...